Harry PotterMoulin Rouge parody!
by FlakJacket
Summary: What if you took the storyline of Moulin Rouge and put the HP characters in it? Well I did it! Chapter 1 is up!
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: I'm a big Moulin Rouge fan, but I'm also a big Harry Potter fan. (In particular, Professor Snape.) So what I did was combine the storyline of Moulin Rouge, and put the characters of Harry Potter in it. Enjoy. (Please don't flame me too badly. It's meant to be FUNNY, not serious.)  
  
This is a story about beauty. Freedom. Truth. But above all things.potions.  
  
Cue music to the tune of "Nature Boy"  
  
There was a man. A very strange, enchanted man. They say he wandered very far.very far.over land and sea. And then one day.one tragic day, he passed my way.and then we spoke of many things. Fools and kings. This he said to me. "The greatest thing.you'll ever learn.is just to make potions.and make them.correctly."  
  
(In a dungeon, the year is 2000) Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. A school. A dungeon. A forbidden corridor, and a trapdoor. A kingdom of magic. Where the purebloods came to torture the young and innocent mudbloods of the magical world. The potion I made is.gone. I first came to Hogwarts one year ago.  
  
(Rewind to year 1999)  
  
It was 1999, the summer of Hogwarts; I knew nothing of Albus Dumbledore, and nothing of the Potions program. I arrived at King's Cross; it was not as my father had said, "A place of devilry," ("Always this ridiculous obsession with magic!") but the centre of the wizarding world! I had come to live a penniless existence, on a teacher's pay! I had come to make potions of Veritaserum, Sleeping drafts, and least of all.love potions. But there was just one problem.I had to make a love potion! Just then, a poltergeist dressed with an orange bowtie and an absurd hat plummeted through my roof. He was quickly joined by an old man, dressed in midnight blue robes. "How do you do? I'm Albus Dumbledore!" "Excuse me?" I said. "I'm your headmaster! I'm the one that commissioned you to make that love potion!" "What?" I said, "A love potion?!"  
  
Just then, an old woman with wireframe glasses came in; her name was Minerva McGonagall, and she began shouting at the poltergeist, (named Peeves,) and conversing with the Headmaster. I desperately tried to get a word in, but to no avail. They were hastily discussing potions, "Not a love potion.how about." "No Minerva, it has to be a love potion, it'd never work otherwise."  
  
"But I don't want to make a love potion."  
  
"This young man is surely talented enough to create something that we could use."  
  
"But what if it doesn't work out, Albus? He's not even a professor yet! He's still working on his degree!"  
  
"I said I don't want to make a love potion."  
  
"I'm sure he's got talent enough for this, even if it is terribly complex."  
  
Finally, I could take it no longer, and.  
  
Cue music to the tune of "The Hill's Are Alive"  
  
"I REALLY HAAAAATE.LOVE POTIONSSSSSSS!"  
  
Dumbledore and McGonagall stopped and turned to me, "I see. Well, we shall take you to London to discuss it with Professor Caldwell. She will clear up this mess and get you all the ingredients you need." "Professor Caldwell?" I asked, "Who is that?" But Dumbledore and McGonagall were already concocting a plan; they would dress me up as a university professor from Durmstrang Institute, so that Professor Caldwell would surely never refuse me. I was to go to London, embark upon an Awfully Big Adventure, and I would taste my first glass of.  
  
Butterbeer.  
  
I let out a groan from the sudden headache, swearing I'd seen something green fly past my vision.  
  
* * *  
  
I arrived at London alongside Dumbledore and McGonagall via the Floo Network, and we went to the Rouge Potion, the home of Professor Satine Caldwell. It was a gigantic store, and the only sign of any human movement was a humming coming from the back of the store.  
  
Cue music to the tune of "Diamond's are a Girl's Best Friend"  
  
"Potions are a girl's best friend."  
  
She was a very beautiful woman with long black hair, but I could not see her face from where I stood. It wasn't until later that I learned that I wasn't the only person due to see her that day; there was also her investor.  
  
The Professor.  
  
Unbeknownst to us, Satine was in the backroom conversing with the owner of the Rouge Potion, Harry Kidman. "Satine, there's no real guarantee that the Professor will invest, but we can always hope," he said, wringing his hands. "So don't blow the interview tonight, alright? We're all depending on you." Satine chewed on her lip, "There's always.I could always.you know.with him." Harry's eyes grew big, "I'm shocked, Satine! I doubt it's worth you having to do that with him, just for us!" Satine shook her head, "It'll be worth it. We need this money or we'll be out of business." Harry shook his head, "It's your decision, Satine."  
  
Harry disappeared into the very back, and Dumbledore cleared his throat; Satine walked to the front, saw me, and assumed me to be the Professor. "Satine! How lovely to see you again! This is my good friend." "It's all right, Albus. I already know," she said, smiling at me mysteriously. "Oh. Well good then. Would you prefer to be left alone or.?" "How about we talk up in my rooms?" asked Satine politely. Dumbledore nodded, "Very well then; we'll be around the corner at the Leaky Cauldron. Fetch us when you need us." But Satine was already ushering them out the door; within a minute, she had cornered me in her room.  
  
I shrugged since I had no foreknowledge of any of these things; all I knew was that I was supposed to try to get the support of Satine, and to convince her that I had the skills to make this complex love potion Dumbledore spoke of. She smiled at me with a glint of something I didn't like, but I simply smiled back weakly. "So," she said, "how about a little butterbeer?" "Actually, I'd rather just get it over and done with," I said quickly. She frowned, thinking for a moment, then smiled again, "Very well." She sauntered to her bed, situated in the middle of the room, against a stone wall, "Then why don't you.come down here. And let's get it over and done with." I stuttered for a moment, not quite sure what the implications of those actions were, "Actually I'd rather do it standing." "Oh," she said, moving to get up.  
  
"You don't have to get up," I replied, "that is.I mean.well.it's quite long." Her eyes widened, "Excuse me?" I shrugged, "Well, I've got a lot to say. There's a lot of things I'd like to show you to demonstrate my skills, of course." She smiled at me knowingly, "Ohh." I shrugged, "Hopefully I'll be quick so this can be over and done with. If that satisfies you, of course." She seemed a little thrown off by that latest comment, but instead got up and stood so close to me that I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck pricking up. She suddenly grabbed me in a place that I'd rather not say, "I'm very sure you'll satisfy me," and with that, she shoved me onto her bed. "Let us make love!" she said hotly, instantly on top of me. "Make love?!" I cried, desperate to get up. "Yes! You want me, don't you?!" she cried. "I.I.er." I said, grasping for words. "I need you right now!" she said, trying to unbutton my shirt. "All right!" I shouted, pushing her off and jumping off the bed as quickly as possible.  
  
"I can.make sleeping drafts with less than three ingredients," I said, fumbling for words. She stared at me for a moment, "What?" "I'm one of those who can easily.find the potion you're looking for," I added, "I've no trouble reading Ancient Runes, I can.er, is this what you want?" "Oh, potions, yes." she said, "yes, this is what I want! An Aphrodisiac!" she cried. My mouth opened and closed wordlessly, "What?" "Yes, make me an Aphrodisiac! Let's increase the feel of."  
  
Cue music to "Your Song"  
  
"My gift is my potions!"  
  
Satine fell silent, staring at me in wonder.  
  
"And I'll make them.for you.and you can tell everybody, this is your potion.it may be quite simple But.now that it's done. Hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I made this potion. How wonderful potions are, when they're made properly!  
  
"Sat at the worktable, and I brushed off the dust, well some of these potions, well they, they got me quite cross. But the Headmaster's been kind, when I made this potion. It's for people like you that, keep it turned on. So excuse me forgetting, but these things are brewed, but you see I've forgotten if the composition is green or it's blue. The active ingredient is, aconite or wolfsbane, but it's the same thing!!!!!"  
  
"I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I made up this potion; how wonderful life is, now this potion has been made!!!!!"  
  
For a moment, there was silence, but she was beaming at me, "That was beautiful," she said, "you must be very talented." I smiled, "I like to think I am. And I'd really like to take part in the things going on here." "You would?" she said, clearly as taken with me as I was with her. "I don't believe it," she said softly, "I'm in love. I'm in love with a young, talented, somewhat good-looking Professor," she said passionately. I smiled, then said, "I'm not a Professor." "Not a Professor?" she asked. "No, I'm a teacher," I replied, the smile still on my face. "A teacher!" she exclaimed. "Didn't Dumbledore tell you.?" I asked. She gasped, "Dumbledore! Another one of his schemes! I am going to kill him!" My smile vanished as she ran to the door to go to the Leaky Cauldron, only to discover that the Professor himself was standing outside talking to Harry Kidman.  
  
She gasped and shut the door, "The Professor! Quick, hide!" The door opened and I ducked behind a potions cart. "Satine, are you ready for the Professor?" asked Harry Kidman politely; she nodded hastily, putting on a fake smile. The Professor entered and eyed Satine with a hungry expression, but said only a polite hello. I frowned at him with the utmost loathing at seeing that disgusting expression on his face, but said nothing and remained silent behind my cart. I did, however, hear some muffled conversation.  
  
"How wonderful of you to take time out of your busy schedule to come and visit," she said.  
  
"The pleasure, I'm afraid, will be entirely mine," he said devilishly; I hated the look of him.  
  
"Professor, perhaps we could discuss the financial situation over a date?" she queried.  
  
He grinned, "Of course. Eight o'clock, in the gothic tower? I shall have a dinner prepared for us."  
  
She smiled, "Lovely. I'll see you then. Eight o'clock."  
  
The door shut, and soon I was being pulled out from behind the cart. "Thank God!" she cried, "Do you know what would have happened if you were found?!" It was then that I noticed her breathing was quickening, and suddenly she passed out; I caught her, but not without wondering what could possibly be wrong. 


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I can't complete all of the scenes due to time constrictions, although if I could I'd write lyrics to the entirety of the songs, or I'd complete more scenes. Sorry if I have to change things. Right now I just want this to be funny. (Hopefully it is.) And this IS told from the viewpoint of Professor Snape! Imagine him singing! (It's really funny, I promise you.)  
  
I laid the unconscious Satine down on the bed, and just then there was another knock on the door; it was the Professor. "I forgot my." he gasped at seeing me somewhat "on" Satine, "foul play?" he hissed. Satine suddenly awoke, "Oh, Professor." "Foul play?!" he cried, "No time to talk to me now, is that right? Meet me in the gothic tower tonight; don't discuss anything with me now?" She looked up at me, "Oh, no, we were just discussing potions." "Discussing potions? You mean to tell me that clad in those skimpy work robes, in the middle of the night, inside your bedroom, that you were just discussing potions?!" he shouted. Suddenly Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall appeared via Apparation, "How's the conversation going?" asked Dumbledore, sipping a butterbeer.  
  
The Professor looked baffled, "Er." "Can I offer you a drink?" asked Dumbledore. In the meantime, Harry Kidman heard a lot of noises and more voices than he remembered inside Satine's room, and came bursting in, "What's going on?" Satine immediately jumped up, "Harry! You made it! Don't worry, the Professor knows all about our emergency potions conference!" she said, putting emphasis on the words "potions conference." He gave her an odd look, "That's why he's so keen to invest," she added, her eyes widening slightly. "Invest?" asked Harry, "Oh yes! Of course! Invest! Well my dear Professor, let us head to my office to peruse the paperwork." "I'm way ahead of you, Kidman," said the swarthy Professor, "what's the potion?" "The potion?" asked Kidman. "Well if I'm to invest I'll have to know what you're making," replied the Professor.  
  
Kidman smiled, "Of course. Er, Dumbledore?" Dumbledore smiled, "It's a love potion!" "A love potion?!" said the Professor, making a grossed-out face. "Of course," said Kidman, "it will be."  
  
Cue music to "Spectacular Spectacular"  
  
"Spectacular, Spectacular! And words of that vernacular! Can't describe, this great potion. You'll be done, with wonderment. You must agree, they're excellent. And on top of your fee.you'll be involved productively."  
  
"So exciting the students will all jump and cheer, so delighting it will go for fifty years, so exciting the students will all jump and cheer, so delighting it will go for fifty years!!!!"  
  
The Professor stared for a moment, "If you are one hundred percent sure." "We're sure," said Kidman, nodding his head profusely. The Professor nodded, "Alright. Let's go to your office to look at the paperwork." The two of them left, with the Professor giving Satine a disgustingly hormone-filled look; she smiled back politely. Dumbledore and McGonagall let out sighs of relief, as did Satine and I; "So Professor Caldwell.do we have your support?" asked Dumbledore. She nodded, "Of course. Thank you so much for the.interview." Dumbledore looked at me, "We'll be returning to Hogwarts now. We'll see you there." They Apparated, and we were left alone.  
  
Satine flushed slightly and turned away from me, shuffling a few random items on her tabletop. "Satine, I was wondering.if.if what you said earlier." "Was just an act?" she said, filling in the sentence. I nodded, "Well.yes." "Of course," she replied surely. I nodded, "Silly of me to think that you could ever fall in love with someone like me." She smiled sadly at me, "Severus, I'm a potions master. I'm too busy to fall in love with anyone. I can't." I nodded, "Well, I'd best be off. Goodbye." And I Apparated to Hogwarts.  
  
I was sure I would never see her again. 


End file.
